Please don't send your kids to hostels

I was left in hostel from my first standard. I had spent 16 years (12 years in school and 4 years in college) in hostels. All those years I was asked to do just one thing. Focus on my studies, and don't worry about 'anything' else. I was seasoned enough to focus on what do I do, without worrying about anything else.

I got decent scores in schools and colleges, got a campus placement in acceptably a good company, worked hard, moved on to another awesome place to work (you know I could focus on my work without worrying about anything else).

So far so good. For the first time I left the country on work to London, and didn't bother to call my family back for an month. Didn't shared my contact details with them, just simply I didn't bother about it, but just my work. I called them only after I got emails from my worried friend that my family is really worried about  not being able to reach me.

Empathy, that was what I was missing. I could never put my foot on others shoes and think, I just had time for things in front of me and not for anything else.

I got married, my lack of empathy amplified the complications in my life. My poor wife (and poor me) had real tough time, I never got to see the world from her end.

It was just the beginning, then on I had live with my border family, my nuclear family, my wife's family. For the first time in my life I had to live in family. All in a sudden the expectation on me changed. Over the years, since I really suck at striking a personal discussion, talking tough things, reacting right, being empathetic and finally loosen up myself from being a 'MAN' always. I have complicated things and did enough relational damages.

If you are growing your kids to be good money making machines, get them into hostels. But if you want to equip them with essential living skills, which they need to posses to handle the hours of personal life (except those money making 8 hours) on a daily basis, better keep them with you and teach them the a good family life by living one in front of them.

Muse this for an another second before you gonna to ...

இஃதன்றோ தாலாட்டு

அன்நிசி தானாயுள் பாதியாயிருக்கும்
அன்பகல் நன்கண் மொய்த்த பாக்கல்
நல்நிசிக்கு தமிழ் சிந்தை வணிகத்திருந்தனன்
நன்தழுவி உறங்கிக் கிடந்தவள் அதையுணர்ந்தனள்
நெஞ்சில் மெதுதட்டி நனக்கு நிசிகொடுக்க அவள்யுத்தி
தமிழ் தோய்ந்து உறங்கா நின்றநன் புத்தி
செய்வதரியாப்பெண்டு , கடையாயுத மேந்தி
காமமுற்ற கலைப்பில் நினையாற்றி
கதிரவன் இள மொளிக் கீற்று
கண்ணரிக்கும் வரை ஆழ் தூக்கம் தந்தனள்

pleasant

Pintu was alone walking back to his home, singing a song in his mellow voice, swinging his water bottle to the rhythm of the song. He jumped and stopped whenever there was pause in the song. It was a nice evening. The road was wetted by the rain. Breeze of the stopped rain was still in the air. Those were some of the unconscious reason for his happiness. The real reason for his happiness is he don't have any homework that day, and no class test scheduled for the day next.

When he reached home, went running to his mother in kitchen and hugged her from back. The smell of his mother made feel warm, he always loved that. Even before she turned, her hands quickly probed through her kid's head, hands and back. Sensing they aren't wet her worry of would her kid get caught in the rain got lifted away. As she turned back, for her lips to reach her kid's cheeks, who was just her waist high she grounded her knees.

He happily announced that he doesn't have homework. After giving him a "wow, that's great", with a helpless authoritative tone, "Again, you had left the shoes in the floor, and not in its shelves". With a 'sorry mom', he ran back to fix the complaint. She walked into his room to leave his school bag. There, she quickly confirmed there were no traces of torn pages in his school diary, one of his old pranks to escape homework.

After munching some snacks and milk, he ran out to play with his dog. Before his mom realized and stepped out to warn him, his shirt and shorts had rain-mud footprints of his dog. She just smiled at that sight and enjoyed the scene of her kid joyfully playing with his dog.

The dog which was running to pick a ball he through, stopped all in a sudden at a place, started barking looking at the ground and smiled through his waving tail. Pintu ran to see what was it. Reaching the place, out of joy he started jumping and shouting to call his mother. She came running to the place. It was a seed that just emitted from the earths womb as a thin stem. The stem was crowned by a half open leaf, guarded by symmetrically placed pair of leaves, all in warm green. Its out of Pintu's first seed, so it is special.

The new born was put into a container to protect it from heavy rain and the container was left in the portico.

Next morning Pintu came running to the portico, as soon as he got out of bed, to see if the crowning leaf had opened fully. His mother didn't heard him for some moments, except the harsh barking of their dog from its cage. She walked to portico to find her kid standing there frozen. Standing right behind her kid she witnessed that the container was lying there turned upside down. The last night's heavy rain had even washed away all the sand without any traces around the container. Her hands ran thought his left shoulders and gently pressed his chest against her legs. He turned and hugged her legs. She quickly went to her knees and held his face, wiped the running tears and put it his head on her left shoulder and hugged him. She didn't know what words would console him.

"Hey, don't breakdown my baby, lets check it'll be lying somewhere here, it's not easy to take loved ones away from us", with those words she parted him and walked around the portico searching for it. And to clear a strong doubt she turned the container, gosh! the plant was there like a puppy caught in a bunker. She turned and smiled at him. He walked to her, held her face and gave her a heavy kiss on her cheek.

calling a call girl

"I need a kutti for tomorrow da macha", Asif shocked me. "I'm coming to your room tonight, will spend next two days in Chennai, find some contact by then", he hanged the call. Family guys like him make use of poor bachelor like me, finally their's wife we'll crib, "my hubby is innocent, his friend in Chennai spoils him, dirty minded bachelors". Yet Asif is one of those guys to whom we cannot say no, but this is too complicated.

I called another friend Manish, expert of 'those' matters,

Me: dai, I need 'that' number da

He: (causally)which number

Me: (felt too awkward to say it) for 'that' da. the lady's number you were telling the other day

He: oh! ooooooooooo. at last, welcome sir

Me: Hey its not for me, for a friend

He: hmmm, I know

Me: Believe me da

He: Okey, Okey. enjoy. note it

Me: Sir, come to my room tonight, you have to do the talking part

He: No probs, anything for you dear. Will fix a best one for you

Me: Whatever

Asif and Manish met in my room that night. Like two immortal souls trying to enlighten a mortal soul, they were advising me. Manish said, "dude, there is nothing wrong, this would clear all such thoughts from your head. So you can concentrate on your work even amid beauties". I was sitting there and wondering their arguments. Asif said, "You are not understanding, see me taking 'holiday' from family once in a year", turned to Manish and continued, "Boss, leave him, useless fellow, lets call her".

Manish dialed and talked, "hey, this is manish....[four dots replaces talk from other side of phone, please adjust] sorry, who is this....Oh fine, can you come tonight....tomorrow morning" he turns to Asif and gesturing with his head 'fine?'. Asif wages 'double ok' with his blissful head. Manish continues, "is absolutly fine, make it 9....hope you'll be as good as her, how about the payment....that's fine...."

When I was just wondering how would he do 'that' in the morning, Manish says in the phone,"a friend want's to talk to you" and thrust the phone between my face and palm. Just to put an "everything normal" act I struck a normal conversation, "Hi....i'm a software engg, and what do you do....", for such a question, not just the people around me laughed but even the phone speaker.

Manish was summarizing, "boss, I'll message her this room address, she'll come by 9'o clock, by evening pay her 2500". I got shock of my life, "Hey, not in my room, the house owner would through me out". Those guys didn't even felt my existence.

Next day early morning, Asif wakes me up, "dai, clean the room". In the early morning, binned all the used cloths peacefully sleeping all around the room, dismantled the spider settlements, painfully parted all the dust I had shared the room for months. At last Asif told, "the bathroom too da", loosing my patience, "dai, I don't even clean this much when my parents come here". Asif pleasingly shook his head, pushing me gently, "just this da macha". Locking myself into the bathroom, with murmuring curses in lips, I cleaned the bathroom.

I was sent out of the room by 8.30 and was expected back only by late evening.

When I came back to room by set of the night, he was fully drunk. He broke-out on seeing me, "macha, I'm hundred percentage black da, she is two hundred percentage black da. Did nothing, just gave money and sent her back. She was looking as bad as that unwashed toilet". Oops I never realized that my curse when I was cleaning the toilet would come true with the words accuracy.

The drinks kept him going, "I asked for Australia team to play with, but he fixed West Indies team to play with me. All my batting dreams, "That Manish should accept the responsibility and resign his job"(as if that was his profession).

I don't have a bull's eye

Lying in the bed on a sunday afternoon, having already done with movie in a theater, movie in laptop, enough FB, bored with a book, game of badminton, lunch and dinner with friends. Cannot think of something that I could do. All in a sudden I got a thought, "if i got nothing to do, why am i living".

That thought is a typical of mental instability of a mind taught to think in western culture. By "western culture", here I refer to questioning anything and everything. "why should i do this", "what is wrong with that". And the self had to be convinced to do or no to do anything and everything.

Indian culture on other hand stereotyped the life. We are assigned with expectation at every stage of of our life. As kid do study well, then get married, then do a good job to earn money, at last take care of your family. There is no room for questions here. We are trained enough that don't even know why should we even question this. There is nothing wrong in this culture, it keeps one busy feeding us, with enough challenge, fun, pain, happiness and most importantly a relation at any given point in time.

As a kid though I didn't liked most part of the education I forced myself to get through it with decent score, as it was projected to me that it is the only way life is supposed to be. Now me having stepped out of my home town, seen different people, I'm evolved to question and even stepped out of various aspects of the Indian culture's "stereotype". In the same time having my mind trained in that culture for about a quarter century, so that it feels disturbed about uncertainties, I'm immensely fearful about stepping out of the culture entirely.

In the current stage, i'm just doing things the makes me happy for that moment, without any long term goal or plan. In Indian culture this can be termed as being irresponsible (like my granny calls me).

hatred crippled

Thousand girls is what I would have seen in my life. Hundred is what I would've talked to. Five is what I enjoyed accompanying. Two is what I wished to live with. One is what I felt comfortable and told that. Ironically the coin wagged its tail when head was my call.

At least the automated voice took pity on me and told "the subscriber is not picking your call" whenever I called her thereafter. Wished for first time, that I could hate her.

One fine day "clients in her office let her to spare sometime for me", "her distant relative stopped visiting her letting her spare sometime for me", "her doctors told that she is fit enough to talk", "the Sunday mass stopped extending throughout the whole of Sunday". And the day before that fine day I told her "that's cake walk for me, I'll help you with that".

"see you later"'s turned to "watzup", "wishing safe journey"'s extended to "reached safely?", "miss u" & "had good time"'s surfaced.

Those fine days were like cream on the cold coffee, unexpected chocolate flakes on that cream, lava in Chocó lava, extended euphoria.

Amid a terrible question popped "why did she offered all these sweetness to the kid (yah, that's me) she had abandoned all these days". Wished for the second time, that I could hate her.

She said "I'll explain, but in person. Since over air emotions would be lost".

Met her. A day filled of a movie, a lunch, a beach walk and a coffee. Yet she ends the day with "not enough quality time in the day to explain why”. Yet I rejoiced over her other parting words “wish the day keeps going” and I meant and sounded back the same.

Logically the question mark is yet to be erased, but I’m crippled to hate her.

when I’m drunk

When I was drunk, I became what I liked to be.

In a conversation, when some comment or joke or funny incident stuck my mind, ‘normally*’ before I could finish thinking of “would it make sense to tell it here” the context of conversation changes, so I miss the timing badly and so I would remain silent. Eventually this would make me a dull listener in the group rather than an interesting contributor of the conversation. When ‘drunk’ the voicing of any thing stuck my mind replaced any thinking.

First time ever I was part of discussion with Roy “me talking”, in group of friends I cracked some jokes and everywhere I talked without any kind of fear (except that I would get a pink slip ;)).

Appreciating others, ‘normally*’ I won’t do it explicitly. My egos would not let me. The egos briefed.

• Would the person being appreciated think I’m trying impress or please them (I’m not able to find a appropriate word, help with a better word here).
• ‘Why should I appreciate now’, the lethargy. I can do it anytime in future. But the ‘anytime’ never comes.
• When it comes to girls, would they think I’m trying to flirt.

And when I was drunk :) :) none of this thought comes up to my head. I just walked to the person, sometimes pulled them aside, stopped others from interrupting us and told them what made me feel they are worthy humans.

Similarly when it comes to giving some feedback to someone, I mostly put a step back with the fear of how the person would take it. But when I was drunk, I pulled out the personals and talked to them. And I liked the way I put it across.

Being ‘normal*’ now, it’s a lie if I say “I don’t remember what I said when I was drunk”. Being drunk I didn’t walked to some random person and said some random things. I meant what I said to anyone.

All this makes me conclude, when I’m drunk I don’t think (or relatively very less thinking) before doing or saying anything. Hence exposing my inner self as such. Incidentally he turned out to be good guy ( as he is ;) ) though idiot as the ability to think was disabled.

hunted - in the reverse

Though she is not gorgeous, I liked her for, the way she presents herself, her way of dressing and her fixed gaze on me at all possible chances. I decided to propose and win it….

But when, where & how? Not by mail or phone, it has to be in person. The best time is during her way back to home, since she is always accompanied by her friends on the trip to office, during breakfast and lunch. But to make things worse I had no idea at what time she will leave from office, which ranges from 6 pm to ……….(s/w industry na!!!!).

That day, I checked the 6’o clock bus around 5.59 pm, she was not in so I got down sounding as if I’m not comfortable with the last seat, the only free seat. I did the same with 6.30 bus. To my shock, when that bus was about to leave she came running and got into the bus, so I. The driver gave me a grimy look as if he read what runs in my mind.

Throughout the trip I rehearsed within myself what I’ll speak and how. A fearful thrill engulfed me; intensified than the one I’ll have just before any of the exam or interview results.

I got down from bus with her, a stop before mine. At that moment, a dilemma caught me, whether to go behind her or to my place. I decided for later and proceeded, but the thought that, “I’ll not get another chance like this” made me to choose the former.

By this time she walked far from me. I ran behind her, when I was about to call her, a heard thought struck me, that, I don’t know her name.

It was around 7 pm, the roads were dimly lighted. I hastily ran to her side and said a wary “hi”, gasping for air. She got stunned. I was about to tell “I need to talk to you, n I don’t mean any harm” but no words came out. Quickly regaining from the stun, she understood me intention, through my complex facial expression and body language. She shrugged, and calmingly she told “let’s walk n talk” covering her smile.

I kept debating where to start and how, rehearsals in vain. She broke the silence and introduced herself with her name and so I. She tried to engage me in casual chat to ease the situation, but I was too excited for it. After few minutes of silent walk I made up mind and talked “……..err………. I’m disturbed by you……….’m na sure is dat luv ………” No response. To my questioning gaze she bewilderedly replied “this is a surprise to me” and alienated shrug with her raised eye brows and tight lips.

With self-reliance I asked “Can I have ur number”. She: “hmm……..”, and added strongly but with a sooth “I’m sorry”.

I ceased walking and told hesitantly “Fine, there is no point anymore in walking together.”, and promisingly added “I won’t disturb you anymore, n I’m sorry about all this” and started back.

She stopped me and told “Hey, don’t get embarrassed, this will be between us” with a pity.

In my room that night, “Da I had lost the bet” said me to Parthi. Joyfully he grabbed the money from me and told sarcastically “I know the girls da, she wouldn’t have even given her number na? don’t get carried away by the way they look at you, dear”

Ya, I did all this just for a bet and if lucky, a flirt partner ;) She proved me wrong, not just that, but also won me with her goodness, tolerance, and understanding.

I’m happy now, irrespective of loss in bet or the embarrassing incident, I found my girl at last. I’ll win her with perseverance.

cheers,

deepak p

starving for your critic reply, please nosh me!

hail his dream of crucifying India

It’s not mission critical I argued. My prejudice was growing stronger as he, a good friend, made the following claims.

• They are going to save Rs.340000000000 (stop counting the zeros, its three hundred forty billion or three thousand four hundred crore) for India every year.
• They turned down an offer of Rs.2000000000 (again, its two billion) which they promised themselves that they would do it for free.
• Heights of all, the American president referenced their work on one of his speech.

Hearing his gyan was more like a teleshopping bullish ads that promises you a TajMahal as your loo for just nine hundred and nine ninety rupees only.

He said all they are going do is making a piece of software work for each and every government doctors in India, in suggesting medicines. And the catch is that it need not even say what medicine would cure which decease. I thought, then what the damn it got to do with suggesting medicines.

And if you give an extra ounce of analysis on “software in every government hospital in India” would serve as a great joke upon which we can laugh for hours. How many government hospitals have a computer to run the software? Sieving out the politically showcased ultramodern urban government hospitals, most of the rural hospitals don’t even have proper electricity. And not to forget there are thousand plus doctors who trek mountains, boat wild rivers, cart ride miles to make a government hospital made of nothing but them. From where they could afford electricity, computer, internet and then the software comes.

He an overgrown in knowing the myriads of software and information systems, a premature technologist whose door steps is queued with projects and companies to better tune their solutions to keep its heart beat going. His stature made me to take a step back, emptying my mind cup and rationalize his reasoning's.

Hope you would realize that most likely we doze, over an hour or more, after any medication, be it for cold & cough, headache, fever, injury, toothache, back pain, sprain, skin allergy, etc. to name any disease or illness for that matter. We would leave our mouths ajar out of shock if we consider the multiplying effect of the ‘doze over an hour or more’ considering each one among the thousand million Indians, each time falling for either minor or major illness across three sixty five days of a year. The lost productivity because of the ‘doze over an hour or more’ alone costs India three hundred forty billion rupees for every year.

A military doctor explained, “In a war room hospital if a doze for an hour after medication is avoided, we’ll get beds freed sooner for next injured soldier hence avoiding congestion and chaos”. Same is the story with disaster recovery hospitals during flood, earthquake and other disasters. So it is mission critical.

Its found that, when certain enzymes present in different medicines come together causes the doze. The solution is find would a combination of the medicines given, considering their countless versions, dosages and brands, cause the doze or not.

Having found the plot of the criminal, my friend with a team of seven members that includes a professor from IIT is working an solution to weed out the criminal. To impart required response speed, couple of months back they scraped a solution developed for more than five years and started freshly with the lessons learnt and without loosing the hope or any bit of energy. That speaks their commitment. And he says, “We need more passionate people to help us, not necessarily techies or experts”.

The solution includes a software that run on computers and handheld devices that talk to servers through satellites. And believe me this description of the solution is just the tip of the iceberg, there are lot of effort going in for effective use of network and resources, to make it affordable for a country like India. Querying millions of data and to respond a doctor sitting in some remote corner of India in less than six seconds would brief the complexity.

He said that he wants to crucify India where his father was pushed to near death in a village hospital, and resurrect India with better rural health. Let us hail his dream and join hands.

It is Boojapathi I here referred as my friend here. My first two cents Booja ;)

its lousy, boy

To every romantic number I listen, unconsciously I started putting her in the song’s female stand. A sharp knock on my head, dispelled the illusion there. When I turned around it was her. She continued saying authoritatively “Not me there” and switching to a convincing tone “My parent’s obvious ‘nope’ would easily overlook if at all it is ‘yup’ of mine. Dear, I’ll tell you better things are in store for you”. She remains me The God Father and the art of perseverance in convincing.

A friend says, “a true lover care for her forever, even if it is not accepted”. I felt mean there that it sounded bullshit to me. All I saw in her was a rare ingredient that would make my recipe delicious and naturally the joy lend would boomerang reckon with interest.

When I realized any number of marches with banners reading ‘marry me dear’ is not going to move her, I decided to lay down the banner. Incidentally a friend who didn’t wanted me to give up, ended writing a beautiful energizing stanza though not able push me back. Happy that I infected one more soul.

Though my business as usual is immune to her ‘no’ logically, Serotonin, biologically called neurotransmitter and literally the commander who carries order from mind to body as muscular contractions, was shouting commands to me like ‘shrink your face more, this doesn’t look sad enough’, ‘why the hell you shave so often’. It took considerable time for me to make Serotonin behave normally, like a teacher who behaves pleasingly after a serious of prankey insults.

One night braking my silence of couple of months, she make my mobile say ‘tring tring’, and we had a casual ‘long time no see’ and ‘gone in air’ chat. The next day with a beep my mobile showed that she had wrote to me, “a boy and a girl were playing hide and seek. She sent a SMS: ‘If you find me you can marry me, if you cannot find me, I’m hidden in the shed’”. Read the message again, with all the context I guess you would infer what I would have inferred.

After three bloody days of her no-reply to all my ‘tring tring’s and beep’s, just before the war in me would have gone crazy using nuke, she says, ‘Come on dude, its a forward’. Serotonin sarcastically laughed at me like a teacher, whom I’d insulted near to grave, get to evaluate my exam.

where is your underpants ;)

‘married couples should sleep together to give birth to a child’ argued Sanju against mine of ‘tying thali is enough to get child’. By then our class teacher announced “5th B students come form the queue, its getting late for the magic show”

When the magician called for a volunteer for one of the trick we both rushed yet he was lucky. The magician was about to surprise everyone by making Sanju lay a egg which the magician lost in air a moment back. As the magician pulled down Sanju’s trousers for a single instance and in-between he got a egg in his hand, the whole auditorium saw Sanju‘s bum as he didn’t wore underpants.

Except me the whole auditorium was busy laughing, while i was dwelling on the existence of the god as he spared me from Sanju’s embarrassment. ;) yes you guessed it right.

Sashi, a physco who occupies upper cot of our double cot in the school hostel, came running to me and told ‘warden is enquiring who are all not wearing underpants in hostel after Sanju’s incident, you’ll be caught’.

At start of every term, my parents would buy me a new set of things. As the term start, we all will take bath and wash things daily to use newly brought soap, inners, shampoo, powder etc. As the days goes love for new stuffs would worn out, and would be overtaken by laziness. Interval of washing briefs, socks and vests would grow form day, to week, then month, and eventually unwashed for long would turn tough to use and at a point would cease to exist.

The names were called out from the list (non-inners-users) and straight two minutes for a person and a bamboo stick would brake. My heart was pounding and stomach was sicken. In mid Sashi, an known trunk wearer even at the young age of 11, was called from the list and beaten as his claims were ignored similar to others. And guess what god spared me again.

Confused me, as I was stepping into the bed that night found Sashi’s trunk lying beside my pillow which had fallen from my upper cot handle where people in upper cot usually leave their inners to dry. And incidentally (and intellectually ) the list should have been prepared based on drying inners around each one's place. Great escape.

Blog Bonus : Roughly after fifteen years.

Sanju in verge of completing his medical course visited me and was staying in my apartment for a while, which i was sharing with my other friends. Even now he had a peculiar behavior. As soon as he steps into the apartment just with a lungi he gets rid of briefs. Of which he was proud and even defends as “its an form of freedom, a silent fad in my hostel resident of the next generation doctors”

One day I noted that even after tem minutes after stepping into the apartment ‘that behavior’ was missing. When I was about to make fun on him on why he hadn’t removed it, he gagged me saying, “Simple macha only if I'd worn it when I left out I would remove it as I step in”. No more words.

rush, pour your heart out, queuing it might be fatal

He was telling me “it’s simple dude, go to a mall, look for a innocent girl, ask her to help you with hindi saying you don’t know, then the relation will grow automatically”, this was all a part of fun conversation we had two days back, today he surprised his son, who came back home from kindergarten, by hanging himself. Yes I was trying with my bloody English to say he is no more.

Whenever he says, “Dude, it’s not ‘I do have to’, ‘it’s ‘I have to’”, correcting my English, with patience as if telling it for the first time, though it was the twentieth time he was repeating it, with a fun in his tone to make sure he sound like a friend rather than a language expert or strong-head,  I’ll feel like telling him how grateful I was to him. Which for some reason I’d never labored my tong to pronounce the feel.

Now it is pricking my heart that if I had told him what high esteem I had for him and how good I felt for him, it might have made him feel better at least by  inch extra, stopping him from losing faith on his existence.

I wish he comes before me all in a sudden and laugh at me that he had played the wildest prank, making fun at me on this blog. But on wearing reality hat made of thorn, makes me realize that he will be no more  around that I could tell him that, “Hey senior, just in a month time you had overwritten the relationship tag we had that said ‘teammate’ as ‘friends’”

help me chasing her

When Saddam was about to strike Kuwait, he wasn’t dumb  not to realize that it would evoke the whole world against him. Gandhiji knew his family would be spoilt if he throws all his attention to the nation alone. And I too took a similar call when I proposed to her.

Hold on buddy, yup I knew the will those great people had, as they foreseen the positive outcome, was giga folds than mine. Still my stake was as precious as theirs, for me its her friendship.

And as soon as they stepped into their quest, in the nascent stage there ware signs of losing their stake, yet they said to themselves ‘no looking back’… ;-)

As a friend I had ran behind her for some time of her with me. Whenever she was not be able to make it, unlike with other friends where my strong ego would never let me show that I felt upset, strangely I went back to her with a sad face asking her not to let me feel the same way again.

Similar more other such patterns rang a bell in me. It sounded ‘she is your girl’.

The very first thought was, “hey don’t behave like a typical guy”. I sat down thought through it, put all my sense just to make sure not to fool myself around with such thoughts.

At a point in time I realized that I kept ignoring the voice of my heart.

Yet there were handful of human oddities between us those would stand on the way wearing masks such as race, acceptance, etc. My heart simply said, “love for the person” would thrive through then and I just need to feed it with patience and tolerance for pain until then.

When I first messaged my proposal, after a long silence she said ‘no’, but also assured me that this act of mine had not hampered our friendship. She quoted the human oddities as the reason for the ‘no’ and there will also be lot of silence.

The worst part is she had never let me talk on this with her in person. Stealing some phrases of one of my favorite song “Its only words. words are all I’ve to take her heart away”. I’d never got my eyes to talk to her’s.

And I’ve a strong feeling that her silence is not an un-matured way of  saying get lost. After all she is the one who made realize humans are never flawless and beauty of any sustaining relation lies on the tolerance of such flaws.

I would give up on this pursuit, provided she proves me that the thought I’ve is impossible.

I’d had tried and would keep trying all possible things to topple the spinning coin and choose its side ( secretly I’m working to make it fall on my favor ;) ). It might be as stupid as putting myself low.

Its end of story time, now tell me what do you feel. Am I missing something that she signals me to stop these ‘bullshit’, as girls would love to call it. Or if you feel I make some sense, bestow me with your help in chasing her and let me ‘take her heart away’

and she is so special, because…

Is she the first girl in my life? of course not. Hold on, then what’s special about her. So there were girls who touched my heart prior. And she is just another one. Fair argument.

Or is she sounding more in my heart now just because she is the current road I’m passing by, which I would eventually pass by similar to other roads I’d passed as my life pursued.

I sat down, asked myself, ”prove yourself true”.

Thoughts cajoled.

Unlike me who live in world of words and second thoughts, she was full of life in person. And she is one among the very few people who implicitly has a magic to bring life in me as a person.

She was persistent and capable enough to brake the hardcore, with which I encapsulate myself letting me pretend ideal. Such braking needs a great deal of charm, energy and maturity. Even my best friends fails doing so.

Whenever such hardcore brakes, it exposed me and consequently it’s obvious for a person to lower the esteem they have for me. But she persuaded me that the prior thought (on exposure, esteem lowers) was just my assumption, atleast with her. And notably such persuading is as expensive as that of braking the hardcore cited before.

I was slowly getting comfortable in being myself with her. I enjoyed being so.

The best part is, she did all this unknowingly and effortlessly.

In the quarter century I’d lived, hardly with two souls I was truly selfless and it took years with them for me to be such. And my heart says she is worthy enough for such compromise.

And it’s for the first time I’m convinced that my feel for her and her impact on me are so strong, with which I would be able to persuade her that I would be her guy.

If she denies to be ore of my boat it would not drown, conversely if she accepts to be the ore, with a bit of exaggeration, my boat would fly. And all my heart longs to fly.

letting my heart speak

I’m waiting for her reply. The moment my thumb sanctioned a down stroke on the key in my mobile, that its software rendered as send button, is one of the toughest and joyful moments of my life.

It was tough because the act was potent enough to change the course of my life, might be pleasant or its antonym. And I’d to prepare myself to face either face of the change. It was a costly gamble, I staked a good friendship and presumably the trust of one, among the few best personals I wished (and more than that) to be a part of my life.

It was joyous because I let white pigeons fly in my mind stopping the clash of thoughts, whether to spell my heart to her or not. The clarity in me woke up after a long nap unleashing that, to me a friend is someone who doesn’t stops with accepting me “as what he/she perceives I’m” but goes ahead accepting me “as what I’m actually”.

I don’t need a power glasses to see my thoughts clearly, provided I’m relaxed and shut out from the world of any minor cent of distraction. It usually happens when I’m in bed where I could just see the black of the darkness or in a calm early morning rest room (yup, my poor roommate crib about it always). Splendid ideas of my life had born at either of these place.

It’s there I made a call between the choices I was debating over and over, and decided to speak my heart to her.

Why I choose to text her? I don’t know. Is that the best way to go about it? I didn’t gave thought about it. Straightaway I started composing the message. Every word was carefully chosen just to reflect my thought without any refraction or diffraction. And it took shape like this.

My heart says ‘go for it’. Thinking consequently I may lose a friend. For a moment snapping the thinker in me, {her name} I’m wondering how gr8 it would be to have you as my life partner.

Felt like capturing the ‘joy’ as fresh as it was just after hitting the send button, and so is this writing. Moment worth living.

She loved me, I killed her

The police officer took the knife carefully from my hands, with which I severed her throat, stained with her blood. As my hands were braced with lock and walked out of her home, her mom came running behind me thudding me at my back though it was very mild for me it was with her maximum strength. I could still hear her mother’s cry even after the police vehicle into which I was lodged passed a street away from her home.

I pushed my temples between the palms of my hands whose elbows were rested over the laps. As on the road, away from her family’s cry and crush from the press, I got a moment to slip my mind to yesterday’s night when I got that call from her.

Unusual from her jovial tone, I heard her so anxious and it had a weird openness, fear and urgency. She, ”could you come down here, everyone at home away tonight, I need you around”. Though the sentence sound romantic literally it was uttered with a voice that was shocked and that needed a moral backing.

As I stepped into her house, she came running to me and hugged me tightly burring her head into my chest. As I could hear her weeping, I let her to lose heavy heart. It was so pathetic to look at her like this, she was one of a confidence I’d in my life. During college days though she make fun at me in group, when I show anxiety during eleventh hours of exams, placement and their results, every time she make sure she manages a private moment of holding my hand, with a brief nod of head and cheerful words giving me loads of strength.

As she calmed down, when I was about to ask her about the horror I sensed, she stopped me pleading, “dear don’t ask me anything tonight, I had enough for the day”. In spite of the toughness attached to her request, the genuineness in her body language made me oblige.

Sitting over the kitchen’s slab, watching a women, who love me, cooking with us alone speaks their heart, be it my mother or sister, and now it is her. I was doing a fixed gaze on floor, she called me by name graciously and said, “I know you always loved me and you know, I loved you from the very first moment. But my family is too conventional to understand these, held me back”. Taking few minutes to take that in, as she was facing the stove busied cooking, I walked to her back, held her both forearms softly, rested my chin on her shoulder eyes closed, with a warm smile she ruffled my hairs and said, “cheer up dear”.

After the delicious food, I took her to bed. Exhausted after hours in bed, we were calmly lying with my arms around her, she pillowing my chest for her cheeks. Breaking the silence she asked, ”would you tolerate if someone harms our kid”, after a pause she told “you should kill them”. She asking this, an old incident came to my mind. Once when I was worriedly talking to her about a girl who ditched me, because I run into an accident with the girl in my back seat, she laughed at me and told, “of course, first thing a girl expects in a relation with a guy is guaranty of her safety”. Having that in mind I told “Sure,” and continued “it got a long way, first we have to get married and then give birth to beautiful kids you worried for and then lets worry about those odds”. For which she replied, “I fear our marriage would never happen” and hugged me tightly. As was about interrupt her, calling out my name with a compassion she continued “just for tonight, don’t ask me anything”. With that we slept.

Morning, I slipped out of bed with a intolerable feel that she would not be a part of my life anymore. Having a day worth living, I went for the knife in the kitchen, I did not had enough strength to bear the pain of knife across my nerves, but idea of being convicted and sentenced sounded more lite for me, though I didn’t know how realistic the idea would be. Moreover my mind was not in a state to work out the logics behind. Making up my mind, I walked straight into the bedroom, and severed her throat as she was lying in bed unaware of what I was up to.

A sudden break of the police vehicle brought me back to the present. I dug my hands into the pants pocket and took out that note I treasured there, and read it again, as it goes like this, “dear, I ran down a infant to death last evening in a dark street who unexpectedly eloped from her mother’s hand. It happened so quick that I could break my scooter. Though I got out from there unnoticed, I cannot live with it. I’m poisoning myself. Thanks dear for your time with me, you completed my life”. The note clutched in her dead hand when I woke up in the morning.

Cheers J

Deepak

catch my thoughts @

do, do, do reply me. My first attempt with a tragedy. Biting my nails to hear back.

i'm alive yet, because...

6.13 AM, 5^th September, Saturday.

The car started moving back, none was in the car except me laying in the back seat hanging in the sleepy yellow line state between dream and reality. Comprehending that the car was moving back in a mysterious way, as I tried to sit-up in a sleepy rushed moment, I ended falling in the legroom between the seats. In spite of the stink, of probably a week long unwashed socks left around there, was poking my nose the dizziness of a sleep deprived night and a considerable hit I got in my head on falling, left me tired enough is rest there itself, forgetting the situation around.

2.30 PM, 4th September, Friday.(previous day afternoon)

After a heavy meal, I was about to catch my post-lunch office nap in my seat, by then my teammate came around and told “the cab will come by 10’o clock to pick us. Is that fine for you?”. Of which I’m not sure how much went into my mind as the sleep invaded it’s consciousness. Just then suddenly realizing that I slept for a moment, to make up and to make a fake proof of my steadiness, I started shaking my legs (amplitude bit above the normal) and drumming my fingers in the keyboard I told “fine with the cab, but when will the cab driver come”. Oops, that try to act extra smart made me the pray for my team’s laughter that whole afternoon.

11 PM, 4th September, Friday.(previous day night)

Would anyone curse “the road that is smooth and well laid“ on a night long ride? Ironically I did. At least the jerks that a bumpy road would bring in would have kept the driver awake.

With two of my teammates sleeping in the back seat, I was sitting in the front seat companying the driver in his night drive. Once we reached the highway past the city, just to strike a casual converse I asked the driver “when will we reach Chennai?”, while my eyes were gracing on the hoardings along the road. As I didn’t heard back from him on that, when I turned to him, he suddenly started shaking his legs (amplitude bit above the normal) and drumming his fingers on the steering wheels and said “I go to Chennai often”. Oops, that is when a fatal fear clutched my mind. The driver was in 2 day long trip prior, without a moment to close his eye lids, and he is still going.

1 AM, 5th September, Saturday.((previous day mid-night)

Even when I tried flirting with a strange girl, I’d had never been that much creative in keeping the conversion alive and interesting for such a long time. I managed to make the driver feel

Angry (about his uncle who supposedly cheated his father)

Proud (that he had work hard above his uncle)

Happy(that his parents are proud of their son)

And romantic (about his uncle’s daughter)

With those I managed to keep him awake. Who else would not keep the gun trigger from being pulled, sitting in its barrels end.

4 AM, 5th September, Saturday.(today early morning)

When we were about to get done with his story of unsuccessful school days, the fate fired its second weapon. It was not just the tire that got punctured but also my mild confidence that we will make the trip. Parking the car next to a lorry along the side lane, I was left to solve puzzle of “how to continue the journey when the spare tire is also punctured one”. When I woke my teammate to replace my in assisting the driver, drowsily he asked, “Where have we reached?”, for which I didn’t had a better answer other than “the Hell”

5 AM, 5th September, Saturday.(today early morning)

I took the car’s back seat, my bag pillowing me, after few moments of staring the lorry standing next which was filling all my vision’s range from my laying posture, the sleep took me. While rest of the people were figuring a way to get the tires back into action.

6.12 AM, 5th September, Saturday. ( a minute before the opening paragraph)

Roar of a starting engine, took my sleeping senses. When I opened my eyes, the scene on my vision changed from, bonnet of the lorry to front wheels and driver cabin, then to trailer body, then to the lorry rear wheel and at last no lorry but it was the trees on the road side, which my sleepless tired mind comprehended as the car moving back. As you might have guessed, actually it was the lorry that started and moved.

7.30 AM, 5th September, Saturday.(now)

The flicks of the camera flashes and laughter of my team-mates woke me up, and I realized I was in between the seats.

Though this was a miserable incident, at last we had a reason to remember the trip in the cherished memories.

Cheers J

Deepak

catch my thoughts @

attempt of exaggerated depiction of a real life happening. Really unsure of how it is. Sitting with my fingers crossed to hear from you on this.

Broken Heart @ Kolkat

I wrote this to make fun of my teammate, it is written as if this happens in our office's guest house in Kolkata where we stayed.

Broken Heart @ Kolkata

"(Actor)Surya had come to our guest house", Amudha (the target, my teammate) came running into our room announcing. She was gasping for breath, unsure if it is out of excitement or running. Sitting in some remote place of Kolkata, the info is completely irrelevant. Ram said, "Amudha, I still see your head in place and I believe there is some brain left yet to be substituted with clay". I added, "Ram I expected this, I saw some nuts lying unscrewed around her place". Frustrated Amudha, "Come-on guys, see it for yourself". And in a subdued admiring voice to herself "his eyes, his style, his accent" and in a louder voice to us "Come-on".

It was a figure that for sure had escaped the cremation fire halfway. Irked with that when we turned to her with aguish questioning look, she told feebly "I forgot to add 'The Black Version'". Yet a better twist was awaiting for us in store. Like Rajini swirls his fingers before any punch dialogs, on his right "Sastralu", on left "Sambradhailu", and in mid "I'm Nagu" and with a pause, "Name you" leaving us confused. She interjected explain us "he is asking your name".

During dinner I asked, "How come you can understand him". Amudha replied cleverly, "He is also from Andra", "But, if it is telugu it makes sense, How come you understand his crap English". For that, and for the first time we realized she can bliss. When I turned to Ram, he simply told me, "Love is blind".

When Kalpana (another teammate) saw Nagu for first time, poor girl met his eyes unwarned (bulgy eyes, hazardously exaggerated by his nerdy spectacle lenses), she fell unconscious. On analyzing her doctor told, "nothing to fear, she had encountered something really scary".

On another day, when asked about his work on a casual chat over a tea, he "I rule four people (means: he got four people to work for him) , one project in shirt pocket another in pant pocket, can what I doing, (means: what can I do) manager beg (hope no more translation is required) , I go America, I go Singapore and I go now Kolkata". Listening these Amudha sat there unmoved, moved by his stature. On his heights of explanation while gesturing he struck a tea cup to fall, breaking it. Housekeeper charged him for that.

Nagu says,"Theater guy charged me 10 rupees for Broken Arrow movie"

"Housekeeper charged me for Broken Cup"

"But Amudha didn't charged me for her Broken Heart"

"I like her, her like I" , "Ha" a pause, "Ha" a pause, "Ha" a pause.

cheers,

deepak p

it’s my day

I do still remember that night

It happened all in sudden, till that moment I was safe in a warm room.

something pushed me out

I was naked! lying in the hands of some stranger, helplessly

I was not able to do anything, but comfortably cried

I don't know at that time, it will take at least 6 months to talk and another 3 more months to walk

Many were around me, but I don't recognize even a single face

On contrary, they were smiling at me..

oops, Some even rejoiced, on seeing me..worse na!…

This happened exactly two decades and tow couple of years back

Yup, as u guessed, I tried celluloiding my b'day

Girl, No one else makes me feel the way you do

She struck me directly and deep in my heart. There was no one to witness what was happening; we were alone in the lift. It was her killer eyes that struck me, the most crucifying thing that I had ever encountered.

While we were leaving the lift, there happened a close moment that my nostril caught, her fragrance, which sleeked all the way through my trachea and bronchi before mixing into my blood that got pumped throughout me by my heart, filling her in me.

There was a kind unexplainable fragility or tenderness in her that tempted me towards her. These seeded a thought in my mind that I should try making her mine.

I walked out of the lift with a additional pace, to figure out who this strange girl in the college was? As if boosting my confidence, she walked into my classroom. She was a new joinee to our class. I asked my class rep to put her in my batch for the practical classes for which he told, "Dude, competition is heavy. I myself is thinking of getting her into my batch". In a careless warning tone I told him, "I sit in NCC selection jury, and remember your father will pull nerves out of you if you don't make it this time", which comfortably set things right for me.

The next biggest task I had was to get a good idea to impress her. When" I asked my roommates, one said, "Praise her in all walks, girls fall for compliments", another guy disapproving the idea told "if you do so, they will tag you as flirt, instead,advice and occasionally scold her asking her to do things right way, creating a image that you care for her", for which another guy broke into teasing laugh and told "then they will call you Socrates or Hitler, I'll tell you what, just behave as if you are not at all interested in her, girls likes the one who don't like them", another guy stopped him saying, "Oops, that's dangerous, if it goes in other way, she will think you as dumb".

Contempt with any of these, as a final refugee I called my papa and told him everything. As a matured pal he said, "Do everything they told you, but it should be spontaneous don't cook those. Just be yourself. It is good that you got time and opportunity to show her who you are. Let her see your best and worst side, your naked face, never wear 'Mr. Nice Guy' mask, and if she is still in, no matter what, she is your girl".

Here is a virtual yet the actual extract of my lab record by the end of the year.

Title Of the Experiment:	Expedition on the life's biggest enigma
Aim:	To find if the girl likes me and find if she is the my 'one'.
Prerequisites:	No others walk into her life before I do (god help me with this)
Apparatus Required:	Enough situations to expose our good and bad to each other. Toughest guts to behave truly as me, even if it means losing her.
Observations:	She was the most lively and reasonable person, having something or other in store that kept me engaged and pleasurable. She preferred to and grabbed every opportunity to spend her time with me.
Findings:	I'll be happy and will live every moment of it if she is in my side, no matter what fate had in its mind for me. She too felt the same way
Result:	There was an untold pact between us that we will go together in our future, without following the regular procedure of telling 'I love you' with a reply of 'Me too'

cheers,

deepak p

do leme kno if i’d bored you @ any point of this story