help me chasing her

When Saddam was about to strike Kuwait, he wasn’t dumb  not to realize that it would evoke the whole world against him. Gandhiji knew his family would be spoilt if he throws all his attention to the nation alone. And I too took a similar call when I proposed to her.

Hold on buddy, yup I knew the will those great people had, as they foreseen the positive outcome, was giga folds than mine. Still my stake was as precious as theirs, for me its her friendship.

And as soon as they stepped into their quest, in the nascent stage there ware signs of losing their stake, yet they said to themselves ‘no looking back’… ;-)

As a friend I had ran behind her for some time of her with me. Whenever she was not be able to make it, unlike with other friends where my strong ego would never let me show that I felt upset, strangely I went back to her with a sad face asking her not to let me feel the same way again.

Similar more other such patterns rang a bell in me. It sounded ‘she is your girl’.

The very first thought was, “hey don’t behave like a typical guy”. I sat down thought through it, put all my sense just to make sure not to fool myself around with such thoughts.

At a point in time I realized that I kept ignoring the voice of my heart.

Yet there were handful of human oddities between us those would stand on the way wearing masks such as race, acceptance, etc. My heart simply said, “love for the person” would thrive through then and I just need to feed it with patience and tolerance for pain until then.

When I first messaged my proposal, after a long silence she said ‘no’, but also assured me that this act of mine had not hampered our friendship. She quoted the human oddities as the reason for the ‘no’ and there will also be lot of silence.

The worst part is she had never let me talk on this with her in person. Stealing some phrases of one of my favorite song “Its only words. words are all I’ve to take her heart away”. I’d never got my eyes to talk to her’s.

And I’ve a strong feeling that her silence is not an un-matured way of  saying get lost. After all she is the one who made realize humans are never flawless and beauty of any sustaining relation lies on the tolerance of such flaws.

I would give up on this pursuit, provided she proves me that the thought I’ve is impossible.

I’d had tried and would keep trying all possible things to topple the spinning coin and choose its side ( secretly I’m working to make it fall on my favor ;) ). It might be as stupid as putting myself low.

Its end of story time, now tell me what do you feel. Am I missing something that she signals me to stop these ‘bullshit’, as girls would love to call it. Or if you feel I make some sense, bestow me with your help in chasing her and let me ‘take her heart away’

and she is so special, because…

Is she the first girl in my life? of course not. Hold on, then what’s special about her. So there were girls who touched my heart prior. And she is just another one. Fair argument.

Or is she sounding more in my heart now just because she is the current road I’m passing by, which I would eventually pass by similar to other roads I’d passed as my life pursued.

I sat down, asked myself, ”prove yourself true”.

Thoughts cajoled.

Unlike me who live in world of words and second thoughts, she was full of life in person. And she is one among the very few people who implicitly has a magic to bring life in me as a person.

She was persistent and capable enough to brake the hardcore, with which I encapsulate myself letting me pretend ideal. Such braking needs a great deal of charm, energy and maturity. Even my best friends fails doing so.

Whenever such hardcore brakes, it exposed me and consequently it’s obvious for a person to lower the esteem they have for me. But she persuaded me that the prior thought (on exposure, esteem lowers) was just my assumption, atleast with her. And notably such persuading is as expensive as that of braking the hardcore cited before.

I was slowly getting comfortable in being myself with her. I enjoyed being so.

The best part is, she did all this unknowingly and effortlessly.

In the quarter century I’d lived, hardly with two souls I was truly selfless and it took years with them for me to be such. And my heart says she is worthy enough for such compromise.

And it’s for the first time I’m convinced that my feel for her and her impact on me are so strong, with which I would be able to persuade her that I would be her guy.

If she denies to be ore of my boat it would not drown, conversely if she accepts to be the ore, with a bit of exaggeration, my boat would fly. And all my heart longs to fly.

letting my heart speak

I’m waiting for her reply. The moment my thumb sanctioned a down stroke on the key in my mobile, that its software rendered as send button, is one of the toughest and joyful moments of my life.

It was tough because the act was potent enough to change the course of my life, might be pleasant or its antonym. And I’d to prepare myself to face either face of the change. It was a costly gamble, I staked a good friendship and presumably the trust of one, among the few best personals I wished (and more than that) to be a part of my life.

It was joyous because I let white pigeons fly in my mind stopping the clash of thoughts, whether to spell my heart to her or not. The clarity in me woke up after a long nap unleashing that, to me a friend is someone who doesn’t stops with accepting me “as what he/she perceives I’m” but goes ahead accepting me “as what I’m actually”.

I don’t need a power glasses to see my thoughts clearly, provided I’m relaxed and shut out from the world of any minor cent of distraction. It usually happens when I’m in bed where I could just see the black of the darkness or in a calm early morning rest room (yup, my poor roommate crib about it always). Splendid ideas of my life had born at either of these place.

It’s there I made a call between the choices I was debating over and over, and decided to speak my heart to her.

Why I choose to text her? I don’t know. Is that the best way to go about it? I didn’t gave thought about it. Straightaway I started composing the message. Every word was carefully chosen just to reflect my thought without any refraction or diffraction. And it took shape like this.

My heart says ‘go for it’. Thinking consequently I may lose a friend. For a moment snapping the thinker in me, {her name} I’m wondering how gr8 it would be to have you as my life partner.

Felt like capturing the ‘joy’ as fresh as it was just after hitting the send button, and so is this writing. Moment worth living.